Its been a minute since I’ve written something, so here goes! The topic today is from an article I read about “ghosting” or better known as “The Houdini” I’m sure I have touched base on how absolutely shitty it is to be seeing someone for a little bit, and thinking “this is it! We’re headed toward a relationship!” for things to then just take a nose dive and never hear from them again. Have you ever experienced this? If you’re currently looking for prospects I’m willing to bet this has happened to you more than once. Or you’ve done it to someone else, right?
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t done it, I have, but for good reason. Let me explain. I went out with this guy who knew me from somewhere and reached out to me through my Instagram, first date we went out to this Lavish restaurant and easily had a $400 meal. After the first date I wasn’t really feeling it, but a week later I agreed to date #2 just to confirm my doubts. Date number 2 was less Lavish, but definitely still expensive. He foot both bills, and refused to let me pay, so that was nice of him but way over the top. Then came obsessive texting, calling me beautiful and other strong affectionate words that were just a little too soon for starting out. Flattering? Yes. But far too much. I was doing a small renovation on my house over the course of the weekend, so really all my time was dedicated to its completion; no one wants to live in renovations so it is better to finish it and get it tidied. I clearly explained this to him and he repeatedly asked me to get together in the evenings when I was done. He just wouldn’t take no for an answer. I told him probably 10 times I was busy and would like to plan for during the week. With the obsessive texts repeatedly coming through after this, I finally made the decision to block his number, and I’ve never heard from him again. That’s my Houdini story!
But what got me thinking today while reading this article is the negative impact its having on people on the receiving end of it. I, myself know, that as soon as things appear to be going well, I brace myself for a Houdini because it has become somewhat expected. So I know that I’ve become kinda insecure, especially when I like the person, I retreat. I retreat not because of them, but because of what I think will happen. Clearly this isn’t good because as soon as I begin to withdraw, the pursuer is put off because they think I’m uninterested, which in turn results in the famous disappearing act! No one to blame but me there.
BUT! As much as I self sabotage, I can admit that it isn’t because of me in every instance. Last summer I went out with this guy probably 8-10 times. Things were going great and I promised myself I wouldn’t back away and I didn’t, but he did. I didn’t come on too strong, I gave space, let him enjoy his weekend baseball tournaments or golf games – I get it, I like my freedom as much as anyone and definitely didn’t want to come across needy or overbearing. I will do occasional check in’s to see how their day is going, but I’m not asking for hour-long texts and a full updates. We had gotten together on the Friday night before his golf game, and things went well, no signs of anything being weird or disjointed and we had a great night of drinking wine and cooking. The next day he messaged me in the morning like normal, let me know he was golfing and I barely heard from him ever again. The following Monday he messaged saying something like “Hey, crazy weekend, sorry I didn’t get back to you ’til now.” We messaged back and forth briefly, then the messages became spread out over hours, and then days, to nothing. Even when I asked what was wrong I go a message of “Nothing at all, we’re all good!” After that, that was it.
So now that I’ve shared a couple of examples of my giving and receiving of the Houdini I have to ask, why do people do it? I was clear in my first story why I did it, but what happened to being straight forward? Is facing what scares us most that bad? Is telling someone that you don’t feel a connection with them that painful, that disappearing is easier? I say it comes down to character and accountability. What they leave behind on a person won’t affect them, but it will affect their future relationships, arguments won’t be fought because its easier to walk away, issues won’t be resolved because its easier to shut them out and Insecurity will rise and despite the constant reinforcement from their partner it won’t ever be believed, all because of how things went in the past. It goes from “We’re all good” to Houdini, how can words be trusted? Now I don’t mean to point the finger and play blame game, because that is not my intention, there are people out there who handle their matters properly and will have successful relationships. We need to change what has become common practice. We owe it to ourselves, our future children and to others to stand up and speak up for what we don’t want. This Houdini bullshit needs to go.
Tell me in the comments or on Twitter when Ghosting happened to you or why you’ve done it to other people!
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