Takes Courage…

Its been quite some time since I’ve posted anything. To update you on things, I won’t hold much back, you get the dirty details from the inside out if you so choose to read this. Please note this entry isn’t for you, the reader, but more so a therapeutic way for me to release what was, in order to move forward and let the healing and the  start of new chapters begin. I’m by no means depressed or sad, overall I’m a very happy person. I believe that in order to overcome things, we need to share what has kept us back for so long.

If I’m to be honest I don’t even know where I left off. It could have been explaining my breakup with a close friend, turned partner, who I’d loved dearly, and later learned that feelings weren’t reciprocated. I’ll give you the “coles notes” version from the start onward and like always I won’t use names as I’d hate to be accused of giving anyone a bad name, whether they deserve it or not.

What would now be close to three years ago, I lost someone I would deem my first love – not that he knew it or knows it as I was too scared to say anything and things were fairly new. Everything was great – for me (and assumably for him). We got on like a house on fire, and spent a ton of time together.  I’ll  save you the “Aww’s” and “how cute” stories and just fast forward to the end. He left his temporary job, after losing his full-time job due to the recession, he searched high and low for a few months for a job that suited him best, but with no luck, he was forced to make a decision that would change the outcome of “us” forever. With no Job here and his family out East he decided that it was best to move back, be with his family and go back to attend school. I supported his decision though it tore me up inside for what would be many years later. We parted ways and the rest has been history, we’ve had little to no communication, unless engaged or started by him about little things only the two of us could joke or laugh about. As much as I’ve wanted to reach out, I always felt that it would be awkward, or make it harder for me to move on (more-so than it already was.) He’s since moved on and I’d like to believe he’s happy and feel that if he’s been able to find the strength or opportunity then I need to do the same.It was a constant struggle to move forward and believe that I’m deserving of a relationship like that again.

I took a year off dating after that breakup and waltzed into the beginning stages of a relationship with someone, who (at the time) I deemed a very close friend. For the first time in a while I thought I’d be lucky again, I’d be sharing experiences with someone I cared about and who cared about me. But that wasn’t the fairytale for me. What I’d found out during the course of our time together was that on nights I didn’t spend overnight, he was shacking up with Girls off popular dating websites. The first warning came from a mutual friend who said he’d been “sexting” girls on his phone while they worked on their cars. Not wanting to be the girl who snoops through his phone, I asked him outright. Countless denies, believable denies, that nothing was going on came from him and I trusted him, my friend must’ve been jealous over two friends making what was looking like a solid relationship work. Next warning was his roommate, now she had no evidence they were sleeping together, but she informed me that girls were coming over “late at night.” Eventually enough was enough and I’d had enough suspicions and “tip offs” to call things quits. I certainly believe that I was better than being “just another girl” so I did what was best for me and left. Spent Another year single, dwelling on the great times I once had and how I was able to love and feel it in return.

About a year later I found myself in another relationship with a nice guy, who claimed to currently be going through a divorce and had been separated for a year, but the cost of divorce was too much which is why things  weren’t official. Something didn’t seem right. I’ve always been told to trust my intuition or my inner voice, and I did just that. For a few months I couldn’t quite put my finger on things. He is a pilot so his schedule is erratic as is his availability, a few times he’d be in a small city outside ours “stuck” at the airport due to the weather and wouldn’t make it home that night. He’d tell me how sorry he was he couldn’t make it, and for the rest of the evening would become MIA. No texts, no emails, or phone calls would be answered or returned until the following day, mid day. Red Flag, much? The final straw was the day after a night out with friends, he and I decided to grab dinner and catch up. While at the restaurant we’d chosen he’d asked me if I got a text he’d sent the night before, which I hadn’t, so he willingly passed me his phone show me what he’d sent. When I was looking at the conversation, it looked like our conversation with the missing texts I didn’t have on mine, but for what ever reason I looked at the recipient at the top of the text and It appeared I was looking at a conversation with “John”. The night when we first met was a tipsy night so it was, apparently “easier to save my number under a contact he already had,” he explained . After about 3 months of dating I didn’t understand why I’d  “still”be saved under a John, his story would have been plausible maybe for that initial first night, but 3 months later, I wasn’t buying the bullshit. After my questioning of whether or not he was ever going through a divorce it eventually came out that he and his wife were still married and currently living together. The nights he couldn’t make it weren’t because of plane issues at all. That was the end of that, A double life I’d have no part in.

Over the last year I’ve been talking to a few people, all with the same feedback, “you keep your cards close”or “you don’t open up much, whats your story.” For the longest time I didn’t know, didn’t feel I had damage or was hurting, truthfully  I had no idea why I’d go on what appeared to be a great date and never hear back, I later learned it was because I was so shut off. Subconsciously I think I did it as a defence mechanism to avoid getting hurt, and it wasn’t until recently where I spilled my past to a friend that I realized why I’d been so off, why great dates weren’t going further than a few, it had everything to do with the energy and vibe I was giving off.

When I opened up to this person, he said, “Everything is crystal clear now” I guess he’d noticed my guard was up despite my not knowing there was one to begin with. My main focus now isn’t to dwell or constantly look back on how I’ve been treated, but move forward with how I should be treated how I deserve to be treated, that I am allowed to love and be loved. So now begins a new chapter, a new me, and a new life…

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About CassieNeil

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One Response to Takes Courage…

  1. John Tyler says:

    It’s easy to build up a lot of ‘walls’ after going through all that. I know from my own past experiences…and it takes a lot, and a while to break them back down. Glad you are able to open up and move on!

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