Its close to 2 am as I write this, but here goes…
From the famous song lyrics of Abba “Take a chance on me” that’s what I had tried and hoped for and was slapped in the face. I suggested to a good male friend that maybe we expand our friendship and take the path less travelled. They seemed down for the idea and gave me the impression things were good and we were on an equal understanding of what we both wanted. So after a month or so of hanging out, it was only fair for me to want to know where we stood and where we were going and if there was a chance at making what was a great start to (What seemed like) a budding relationship, ‘official.’
So to clear the air and my questioning mind, I asked them how they felt things were going. Since the beginning I’d always felt like I was giving all or most of the affection, and showing a genuine interest, and getting very little back. I’d assumed one of two things, they don’t show much affection, or they just weren’t that interested. So I after I asked I braced myself for their answer. Let me tell you, it was a surprise when I found out they announced they just wanted to be friends. Was I overly shocked? Not really. Did I feel used and played? Absolutely (which they assured me wasn’t the case at all; currently still trying to believe that, though) They then asked me if I was upset. Upset? Not even close. I was and still am supremely disappointed in myself, allowing myself to be led along believing there was a hope in hell that the “too good to be true” feeling was actually foreshadow “you’re about to hit a brick wall any minute because reality doesn’t let you have anything too good to be true without consequences or supreme disappointment…” but it was.
I was fed the lines of “I don’t want to risk anything. And it’s not like me to not take a risk but we’re better off as friends” Which in my mind after cutting out the crap reads like: “You just aren’t good enough for me to take a risk on”
Truth is, I don’t think I actually care so much that things didn’t work out, I’m much more embarrassed about everyone who saw the facade and assumed what I did, that everything was good, that it was an easy transition from friendship to something better. Or was I the only one ignorant to the fact that it was really nothing? Was (or is) everyone around me laughing, and saying “What a sucker she is for thinking something was going to develop” behind my back?
Those are questions I won’t ask. There are many questions I have that I won’t ask either. Why? Just not worth it and they really don’t matter now.
This all happened a few hours ago. So I’d say that given how fresh the ‘wound’ is I’m doing well. As much as I’d love to write about how utterly pissed off I am due to all the mixed messages I’d received which allowed me to believe I had something real. I, At least in the end, will show the same respect I had from the beginning, and don’t wish to come across like a woman scorned.
If who this entry is about reads this. You knew I wrote blogs based on good, bad, and ugly experiences, so this would be no different. I didn’t reveal your identity, nor did I slander you. I simply wrote how I felt and I hope you can accept that.
Admittedly, I did expect them, of all people to step up to the plate. But instead, I’m the only one striking out. Which recently, seems to be the story of my life…
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple” – Dr. Seuss