Hang on, Time out.

The month of June has been a crazy time, and I’m calling time out. I feel like I’ve been moving so fast its time to call a time out. You’re all aware I took a trip to Vancouver, if not, read about it here. The weekend after that I packed up my girlfriends car and took a trip with her out to the Shuswap out in British Columbia. We spent the weekend on a houseboat with men so hot you’d think we got on a boat with GQ Models. If any of them read this, you’re welcome and thank you for being terrific eye candy and sorry about the drooling.

I believe the ratio was 15 men to 5 women, two maybe three of the other girls were in relationships which meant there was 7.5 men to one female. I’m not sure the number of men who were in a relationship, didn’t ask, just enjoyed the weekend to its absolute fullest. Now you’re probably wondering “So what happened?! was there any hook ups etc.” It wouldn’t be lady-like for me to tell you the details, so I’ll go with the line “What happens on a house boat stays on a houseboat” That and my family reads this, so I’ll keep it PG.

House boating came to an end and I like to think my relationship with those I knew previously grew stronger, and those I didn’t know I feel like I walked away with 10 or so new friends. I say 10 because lets face it, in any environment there’s a handful of people you could “do without” and there was a couple of girls I could do without and a couple of guys I could have also done without; overall we became like a giant family for three days, from eating dinner together, to the boys making sure that any random men on our boat were essentially given the run down that if you hurt any of the girls on the boat or act like a jackass you’ll end up in the water with the fishes. Many of them became the big brothers I’ve never had and it was nice for a change to have someone look out for me, and not me looking out for everyone else.

I’m not one to talk about people because really I don’t care enough about them to write (or talk)about them, but I will share a horror story of the crazy evil bitch on our boat. I’m still trying to figure out who the hell she was friends with on the boat because she really wasn’t nice to everyone. To set the story straight she was about 5’6 and weighed about 140 lbs, not super fat but not super skinny either, had a face only a mother could love and an attitude Satan himself couldn’t handle, combined with this immense desire to control people and a has a major case of OCD. So all in all you have the worst roommate on the planet. So we all get on the boat, get our stuff organized crack some brews and get acquainted with the people we’re about to spend the weekend with, ice breaker games like socialables and asshole we played in groups. Well the rules to socialables were written out and everyone was playing by the rules and getting to know one another when crazy roommate lost it on a guy because she was the last person to put her thumb on the table. LOST it. Many of us would be like “aww shit” and take a drink. Instead this crazy bitch freaked on the guy asking him “What is your fucking problem?!” etc. Needless to say socialables ended there and myself and some of the boys went to the top deck to chat about what just happened. Welcome to night one with a crazy bitch. I vowed to sleep with one eye open in case she came into our room with a knife for snoring too loud

Next day it was gorgeous out, so the gang went upstairs to soak up the sun. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m pretty conservative and even while drinking that doesn’t really change. She and some other girl (I assume her friend) decided that it’d be good to take their tops off and bare a naked chest for all to see. They tried to encourage the other two girls and myself to participate in the “fun” and give the guys a show. Needless to say as I sat an observed the “fun” the boys weren’t looking and if they did they were resisting the urge to throw up. Crazy bitch is maybe a ‘A cup’ with her nipples pieced with a barbells with a muffin top spilling over her bathing suit bottoms. The only nice thing about her dancing. was she was pre-occupied with trying to look hot that no one was getting screamed at, until the music stopped.

To speed things up everyone was assigned to prepare a meal and everyone did their best to provide a meal for everyone. This crazy bitch and her other topless friend prepared a meal that’s preparation took 3 hours and its cook time was about 2. With something as complicated as that you’d think you were being prepared a 5 course meal. We’d just docked on shore and the boys went to do their thing, go flirt with girls on other boats and make acquaintances while the other ones stuck around our boat to hang out with the girls they’d deemed as the “cool chicks” of the boat-that’s me! So while the two girls were cooking in the kitchen it was becoming increasingly cluttered with booze bottles, plates and food that was abandoned in topless chicks’ dinner preparation. So I did the nice thing and assisted them in tidying their cooking space moving things and getting some sort of organization to their chaos, they thanked me for that. I did the absolute unthinkable and offered my “help” to which I knew as soon as it escaped my mouth that I’d be forced into making the dinner.

The dinner was Jalapeno poppers – not store-bought throw in an oven. The raw Jalapeno’s that needed to be de-membraned and stuffed with cream cheese wrapped in bacon and thrown on the BBQ to be cooked. There were about 25 poppers. (There’s ONLY enough for 1 Each person! I was reminded several times)

Main course was cold ham that was pre-pared before their arrival, with vegetable skewers and honey glazed Carrots and a tossed salad. I was asked to skewer the vegetables and then was micro managed by crazy bitch on how to “properly put the skewer the vegetables” Lets face it, I’m a grown ass adult, who hasn’t died with how I throw food on a skewer, so this micromanaging thing this bitch was starting would be nipped in the bud. I turned around and put the skewer down and walked out the kitchen, she asked me “Where I thought I was going” to which I replied, I’m not about to be micro managed by a skanky, obsessive compulsive, control freak like her when she needed ‘my’ help. So I went up to the top deck to vent to one of the boys, regain my composure and make an appearance once I’d cooled off.

I arrived in the kitchen to see crazy bitch controlling her friend who was assisting her with whatever they were doing… not sure as I felt like I’d done everything, along with another girl who made her escape with me to catch her breath  (go for a smoke). Crazy bitch wiped tears from her eyes and I secretly hoped that she got some jalapeno residue in her eye that would send her to the bathroom for the night. Of course my prayer wasn’t answered and she was in fact crying about “The immense stress she was under and how no one was helping her” I put the theatrical tears aside and spoke up for the second time in 10 minutes and gave her a piece of my mind. I’d informed her that if she wasn’t such a crazy psychotic C-U-Next-Tuesday that she’d have a lot more people willing to assist her. Told her to quit feeling sorry for herself stop micromanaging everyone and inventing her own god damn rules and leave everyone on the boat alone included that she should have re-thunk her decision to create such a huge meal to avoid her pathetic kitchen melt down. Of course because she’s crazy she shot back using choice words with me, forcing some of the boys to come downstairs and see what the argument was about. A few more blows were exchanged and one of the boys grabbed her before she attacked me.

I’ve never been in a fist fight in my life, so I wouldn’t even know what to do. I don’t like the idea of hitting someone and likely wouldn’t have done much had she swung and hit me, I’m just glad one of the guys grabbed her before I had to make my decision of fight or flight.

I left the kitchen with some of the guys and stood out front with a couple of guys and a the other girl to just get out of the kitchen. The boys high-fived me and said what I’d said was how everyone else felt. Supper was finished and everyone sat down to eat, everyone thanked the cook and Crazy bitch made it quite clear she’d done such a great job and had slaved over the meal. A few of the boys made an effort to thank me and the other girl for our hard work as they’d seen us do most of the work anyway.

I’d say that my outburst was a combination of being fed up of her antics and random freak outs on everyone for really nothing. Overall I had a blast, as long as I stayed out of the warpath of crazy bitch i had a great time. Next year, if it were up to me, I’d invite everyone back except her, that’s how much we all got along. I hope I get invited again next year, would do everything in my power to attend.

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One Response to Hang on, Time out.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I couldn’t agree more!!! How about when she was in the water on her floatie and was telling Cam he could come in the water we werent moving for at least 45 minutes!! Oh man if I could of thrown anyone overboard without getting caught it woulda been her, and i’d have thrown her right on top of James “water deuce” bahahahaha. Great times, miss the boat and rock out every time I hear LMFAO Party Anthem and relive boat memories. Hope they have the same crew minus crazy wench next year cuz you can bet your ass i’ll be there!!

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