What am I doing?

The other day I was thinking about life, and what other people around me were doing. I’ve recently had a couple of friends just up and leave, almost over night to go tackle life in their own way, may that be taking over a restaurant and focusing on their passion to be a small business owner, or moving several provinces to be with the ones they care about most, and it had me thinking “What was I doing for myself?”  All these people had little to no problem chasing after their dreams and aspirations. Some of them continued their relationships where others didn’t.  Although some of them were focused on their family and future with others, many were also a bit more independent, looking after themselves first and leaving those they cared about behind. I’m not saying either is good nor bad, as it is all situational, and really, who am I to tell them whats right or wrong.

In the times these people left I would ask myself, won’t they miss me? Don’t they value our friendship? Truth is, although they may miss their friends, their surroundings they are doing what they want. Could I say that I was doing the same? I felt as though I was living my life for others, living my life trying to win people over, ensure they liked me, make sure I was doing what made my parents proud, but really not reaping much of a reward. It dawned on me that it was time to take the reins of my own destiny and not rely on others to dictate or tell me how it should or would go. Do I fault those who’ve created their own path and left me behind? Not at all, if anything their own decisions have only opened my mind up further to focus on what I want to do. That’s not to say I wish they left sooner so I could have a wakeup call and contemplate life and what I was doing, because those who I continue to  stay in contact with remain good friends.

 I also realized that in times where someone is faced with their own challenge or big decision, you cannot force your way in, you cannot force yourself to be apart of their future, because they either want you in it or don’t. Coming to the realization that they may never have pictured you in their future at all, or only temporarily until they found something or someone better, hurts like hell, although better to learn it now, than to learn it 5, 10, or 15 years down the road. Too often I find myself putting others before me, trying to help them in tough times, in making a difficult decision, yet never seem to focus enough on myself, commonly ending up getting hurt, emotionally or mentally; If had I just taken a moment to think of myself first, it could have all been avoided. Why should I focus on others more than myself? The answer to that is I shouldn’t, those who are a friend, don’t need me to earn their friendship, those I share my time with romantically shouldn’t question my whereabouts (who I’m with) or my commitment to them, it should be known. Taking a step back and sorting out the weeds from the flowers can be difficult, but in the end having a ‘Perfect garden’ full of healthy relationships is a lot nicer and easier to deal with, than the ‘garden’ that is beyond repair.

My questions to those of you who took the time to read this… What is it you’re doing for yourself? If you left someone behind , why? If you continued your path with them, Why?


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4 Responses to What am I doing?

  1. Fiona says:

    Wow! I feel like you’ve taken the words and feelings right from me. I’m so glad you recommended that I read this. I think you’re right. I think it’s time that I focused on me and what I need and want rather than what others want. Thanks Cassie 🙂 You’ve given me a really good place to start my re-evaluating!

  2. mary says:

    cassie, i dont have friends for that exact reason! i have lots of acquaintances and 3 or 4 friends and 1 bestest friend ever, like you said: the garden…its way too much up keep! friends are supposed to be just there not make sure they are still there! i think your my friend i didnt move to another province to forget what i had accomplished in calgary nor the relationship i built! love you and you better come visit me 😛 xoxoxoxoxo

  3. H. says:

    I think life is all about making these kinds of choices over and over. I have left my family and friends behind to tackle finding myself in a completely different province. I ran away. I came back knowing less than I knew before I left. I also had to completely abandon something I had been working on for close to two years. I put my heart and soul into trying to keep it together but I didn’t have that reciprocated. It happens. I had to leave that behind because it opened up far too many doors for me once I had. It was the best decision for both parties. I’m about to make another decision to leave my family and friends behind in less than a year. The reason for it this time is to try something different, grow and build a life with someone I love and whom loves me. Why? I think it’s necessary. We could do it here, but I’m ready to check out another city for a few years or more. I am also ready to start exploring other career opportunities (writing), and it might work out better there than here. The people who are most important to me will not be forgotten, they will still be in my life, even though they’re miles away. Life tends to give you an opportunity to take, but never a map. I like that.

  4. Courtney says:

    Facing reality can be hard. Its sometimes so much easier to keep trucking down the same path day after day. Making big changes isn’t an easy decision and sometimes its not always the right decision either, but life is a trial and error process. Somethings will work out wonderfully for you and somethings won’t and any true friend will be there no matter what new path ya start down. I’m glad I got to meet ya Cassie and your definitely one of the people in my life I consider a true friend

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